4/27/11
4/26/11
4/25/11
Explaining Your Time Warner Bill
by Colin Jost April 2011
The New Yorker Magazine
$37.35 — Standard service
$40.81 — Actual service
$12.50 — Federal taxes
$11.75 — Federal taxes, part two
$6.85 — New York City taxes
$5.35 — Fort Wayne, Indiana, city taxes
$3.45 — Singapore Nuclear Defense Fund
$16.30 — Twenty-five-per-cent gratuity
$13.99 — DVR (disabled video recorder)
$11.45 — HDTV you forget to use because it’s Channel 700-something
$8.12 — Color TV
$4.75 — Right to use that stylish @nyc.rr.com e-mail address
$14.32 — Landline you promised your parents you would keep as an “emergency backup” and now you only use to order Thai food
$1.35 — Random charge that’s too small to waste your time contesting
$7.25 — Remembrance Fee, for when you forgot your seventeen-digit Internet password and we had to remind you
$1.82 — Time Warner Appreciation Fee
$1.35 — Somehow this goes to Goldman Sachs
$0.32 — Part of the remaining balance on the cable box you purchased in 1993. Number of remaining payments: ∞
$14.95 — HBO you purchased just to watch reruns of “The Sopranos”
$12.50 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “Behind the Scenes: Marmaduke”
$8.40 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “First Look” at “Marmaduke 3”
$12.95 — Showtime you forgot you ordered
$12.95 — Cinemax you forgot you ordered
$9.95 — Starz you forgot was a channel
$6.95 — Moonz*
$0.02 — Internal joke
$40.20 — Watching a Non-New York Football Game Betrayal Surcharge
$3.95 — Your girlfriend’s niece’s friend somehow voted for “American Idol” through your cable box
$3.75 — What Ever Happened to “My Name Is Earl”? Fee
$11.45 — Your child watched the same episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” four hundred times
$1.18 — You cried during “Megamind”
-$4.95 — Credit for watching the film “Old Dogs” in its entirety
$2.10 — It’s a secret
$2.15 — Piers Morgan’s dental plan
$5.43 — Some junk
$0.99/day — Adoption of Eritrean boy named Kulu (photo attached)
$10.95 — That time you stole your neighbor’s Wi-Fi
$15.99 — People Get All Their Porn from the Internet Surcharge
$2.35 — This is a scam
$7.08 — Time Warner keychain
$53.71 — Shipping and handling for Time Warner keychain
$82.40 — Keychain Misdelivery Fee
$53.71 — Second attempt at delivering keychain
$12.71 — Oops, we had the wrong address
$104.23 — Keychain Restocking Fee
-$5.95 — Credit for improper charges on previous bill
$5.95 — Psych!
$120.32 — Residuals owed to composer of “Please hold” music
$12.99 — We’re going to Hell ♦
*fake
4/22/11
4/20/11
4/16/11
4/15/11
4/14/11
Christopher Hitchens Quotes
The writer, polemicist and devout atheist Christopher Hitchens is known for his confrontational style of debate.
Some of his more controversial outbursts:
“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.”
"[Mother Teresa] was not a friend of the poor. She was a friend of poverty. She said that suffering was a gift from God. She spent her life opposing the only known cure for poverty, which is the empowerment of women and the emancipation of them from a livestock version of compulsory reproduction."
“[George W. Bush] is lucky to be governor of Texas. He is unusually incurious, abnormally unintelligent, amazingly inarticulate, fantastically uncultured, extraordinarily uneducated, and apparently quite proud of all these things.”
“Cluster bombs are perhaps not good in themselves, but when they are dropped on identifiable concentrations of Taliban troops, they do have a heartening effect.”
“I don't think the war in Afghanistan was ruthlessly enough waged.”
“Will an Iraq war make our Al Qaeda problem worse? Not likely.”
“The death toll is not nearly high enough... too many [jihadists] have escaped.”
“Islam makes very large claims for itself. In its art, there is a prejudice against representing the human form at all. The prohibition on picturing the prophet – who was only another male mammal – is apparently absolute. So is the prohibition on pork or alcohol or, in some Muslim societies, music or dancing. Very well then, let a good Muslim abstain rigorously from all these. But if he claims the right to make me abstain as well, he offers the clearest possible warning and proof of an aggressive intent.”
"The Bible may, indeed does, contain a warrant for trafficking in humans, for ethnic cleansing, for slavery, for bride-price, and for indiscriminate massacre, but we are not bound by any of it because it was put together by crude, uncultured human mammals."
“Religious exhortation and telling people, telling children, that if they don’t do the right thing, they’ll go to terrifying punishments or unbelievable rewards, that’s making a living out of lying to children. That’s what the priesthood do. And if all they did was lie to the children, it would be bad enough. But they rape them and torture them and then hope we’ll call it ‘abuse’.”
“Religion is man-made. Even the men who made it cannot agree on what their prophets or redeemers or gurus actually said or did.”
“Judaism has some advantages over Christianity in that, for example, it does not proselytise — except among Jews — and it does not make the cretinous mistake of saying that the Messiah has already made his appearance. However, along with Islam and Christianity, it does insist that some turgid and contradictory and sometimes evil and mad texts, obviously written by fairly unexceptional humans, are in fact the word of god. I think that the indispensable condition of any intellectual liberty is the realisation that there is no such thing.”
“Faith is the surrender of the mind; it's the surrender of reason, it's the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other mammals. It's our need to believe, and to surrender our skepticism and our reason, our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something, that is the sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.”
