by Colin Jost April 2011
The New Yorker Magazine
$37.35 — Standard service
$40.81 — Actual service
$12.50 — Federal taxes
$11.75 — Federal taxes, part two
$6.85 — New York City taxes
$5.35 — Fort Wayne, Indiana, city taxes
$3.45 — Singapore Nuclear Defense Fund
$16.30 — Twenty-five-per-cent gratuity
$13.99 — DVR (disabled video recorder)
$11.45 — HDTV you forget to use because it’s Channel 700-something
$8.12 — Color TV
$4.75 — Right to use that stylish @nyc.rr.com e-mail address
$14.32 — Landline you promised your parents you would keep as an “emergency backup” and now you only use to order Thai food
$1.35 — Random charge that’s too small to waste your time contesting
$7.25 — Remembrance Fee, for when you forgot your seventeen-digit Internet password and we had to remind you
$1.82 — Time Warner Appreciation Fee
$1.35 — Somehow this goes to Goldman Sachs
$0.32 — Part of the remaining balance on the cable box you purchased in 1993. Number of remaining payments: ∞
$14.95 — HBO you purchased just to watch reruns of “The Sopranos”
$12.50 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “Behind the Scenes: Marmaduke”
$8.40 — Mandatory purchase of HBO’s “First Look” at “Marmaduke 3”
$12.95 — Showtime you forgot you ordered
$12.95 — Cinemax you forgot you ordered
$9.95 — Starz you forgot was a channel
$6.95 — Moonz*
$0.02 — Internal joke
$40.20 — Watching a Non-New York Football Game Betrayal Surcharge
$3.95 — Your girlfriend’s niece’s friend somehow voted for “American Idol” through your cable box
$3.75 — What Ever Happened to “My Name Is Earl”? Fee
$11.45 — Your child watched the same episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba!” four hundred times
$1.18 — You cried during “Megamind”
-$4.95 — Credit for watching the film “Old Dogs” in its entirety
$2.10 — It’s a secret
$2.15 — Piers Morgan’s dental plan
$5.43 — Some junk
$0.99/day — Adoption of Eritrean boy named Kulu (photo attached)
$10.95 — That time you stole your neighbor’s Wi-Fi
$15.99 — People Get All Their Porn from the Internet Surcharge
$2.35 — This is a scam
$7.08 — Time Warner keychain
$53.71 — Shipping and handling for Time Warner keychain
$82.40 — Keychain Misdelivery Fee
$53.71 — Second attempt at delivering keychain
$12.71 — Oops, we had the wrong address
$104.23 — Keychain Restocking Fee
-$5.95 — Credit for improper charges on previous bill
$5.95 — Psych!
$120.32 — Residuals owed to composer of “Please hold” music
$12.99 — We’re going to Hell ♦
*fake
